Posts
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wow.
I've gone a long way since this blog. Thanks everyone for reading, but ever since God has called me to follow Christ with everything that I am, I've been posting on: The Good Fight
Monday, October 5, 2009
Who's performance?
It's so hard sometimes, being on earth. Being a student. Being me. It's always a conflict... yes, a conflict between my nature and the truth. But it's much more complicated.
I'm Alex. I'm a person, that when everything gets out of control. I control everything. When things get out of order. I organize it. I need a reason for everything; I have an order - a formula. Why do I study - I want good grades. Why do I want good grades - I want to go to a good school. Why do I want to go to a good school - So I can be successful and available to more resources.
But where does God come into this? These motives and desires seem ultimately selfish. It's about me. It's about my performance and my position. Is my heart really truthful then, when I say "Glory to God?". Or is it, Glory to Alex with God at his right hand? That's what my heart tells me. That's what my heart tells me.
So as I get deeper with God, my perfectionist, controlling nature arises. As I try to live it out, I need to integrate God's truth into my own formula for life. But as I try, my heart questions my motives. It makes sure it knows a reason for everything. Now at first, everything seemed normal. I studied to get good grades. I got good grades to get into a good school. I got into a good school and then I could use my resources to ultimately glorify God! So in the end, it's all for God! Everything is solved!
This is until my heart began to condemn me. Saying that everything I did was just for myself.
But this conflicted with what Jesus said ... for there is no condemnation in Christ. So it wasn't from God. It was from myself.
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It's hard for me to talk about this. I still feel that condemnation tugging at my heart but I'm trying to focus on the truth. I'm trying to remember it's not about my performance, spiritual or not, that gives me identity. Everyday to the next, God's love is lavished over me and He accepts me. I'm still struggling to realize this.
Now? I'm trying my best to be a student. There will be questions like these. There will be topics that will never be answered. Sometimes I feel that God has called me to be a pastor, and because of that I need to know the answer to these questions. But the thing is.
I am a student now and He wants me to do my best. There will be questions that I can meditate and wrestle with. But those are for pastors to do with. And if He calls me into ministry, then He won't fail to equip me.
But as these questions bombard me. As they intimidate me and condemnation threatens to swallow me whole, I remember that, with the faith of a child, God is bigger than the questions.
As my motives are questioned and my flesh condemns me, I remember that it's not about my performance and He just expects me to excel in where He's placed me, in school. He doesn't except me to excel in spirituality, because He already has. It's about God's performance.
As I struggle with this, as I struggle to find peace, I will find rest in the arms of my father, who see's me, blameless before Him. I will accept the grace He's given and give thanks, for He has done it all. I will enjoy His blessings that He's given me now, and as a return (not because I can ever pay back what I owe) I will do my best.
I'm Alex. I'm a person, that when everything gets out of control. I control everything. When things get out of order. I organize it. I need a reason for everything; I have an order - a formula. Why do I study - I want good grades. Why do I want good grades - I want to go to a good school. Why do I want to go to a good school - So I can be successful and available to more resources.
But where does God come into this? These motives and desires seem ultimately selfish. It's about me. It's about my performance and my position. Is my heart really truthful then, when I say "Glory to God?". Or is it, Glory to Alex with God at his right hand? That's what my heart tells me. That's what my heart tells me.
So as I get deeper with God, my perfectionist, controlling nature arises. As I try to live it out, I need to integrate God's truth into my own formula for life. But as I try, my heart questions my motives. It makes sure it knows a reason for everything. Now at first, everything seemed normal. I studied to get good grades. I got good grades to get into a good school. I got into a good school and then I could use my resources to ultimately glorify God! So in the end, it's all for God! Everything is solved!
This is until my heart began to condemn me. Saying that everything I did was just for myself.
But this conflicted with what Jesus said ... for there is no condemnation in Christ. So it wasn't from God. It was from myself.
==========================================
It's hard for me to talk about this. I still feel that condemnation tugging at my heart but I'm trying to focus on the truth. I'm trying to remember it's not about my performance, spiritual or not, that gives me identity. Everyday to the next, God's love is lavished over me and He accepts me. I'm still struggling to realize this.
Now? I'm trying my best to be a student. There will be questions like these. There will be topics that will never be answered. Sometimes I feel that God has called me to be a pastor, and because of that I need to know the answer to these questions. But the thing is.
I am a student now and He wants me to do my best. There will be questions that I can meditate and wrestle with. But those are for pastors to do with. And if He calls me into ministry, then He won't fail to equip me.
But as these questions bombard me. As they intimidate me and condemnation threatens to swallow me whole, I remember that, with the faith of a child, God is bigger than the questions.
As my motives are questioned and my flesh condemns me, I remember that it's not about my performance and He just expects me to excel in where He's placed me, in school. He doesn't except me to excel in spirituality, because He already has. It's about God's performance.
As I struggle with this, as I struggle to find peace, I will find rest in the arms of my father, who see's me, blameless before Him. I will accept the grace He's given and give thanks, for He has done it all. I will enjoy His blessings that He's given me now, and as a return (not because I can ever pay back what I owe) I will do my best.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Savior Please
God's finally blessed me with a desire and a passion to know Him more and to seek His will. God's reminded me how great it is to be in this place. Thank you Lord.
But the closer I get, the harder Satan makes it become. He fills my heart with doubt. He fills it with lies and with hopelessness. He diverts my gaze to myself and my sinful self, instead of on Christ. I forgot these would come as I tried to seek the Lord.
I try so hard. But I can fade so fast. I don't know how long this can last. This is a battle.
I need His help everyday. Thank you Lord for saving me by sending Your son. But this is a battle. All day. Everyday.
Savior please.
KEEP SAVING ME.
But the closer I get, the harder Satan makes it become. He fills my heart with doubt. He fills it with lies and with hopelessness. He diverts my gaze to myself and my sinful self, instead of on Christ. I forgot these would come as I tried to seek the Lord.
I try so hard. But I can fade so fast. I don't know how long this can last. This is a battle.
A battle against my spirit and my flesh. Between sin and faith.
Between love and evil. Between Christ and the devil.
Between love and evil. Between Christ and the devil.
I need His help everyday. Thank you Lord for saving me by sending Your son. But this is a battle. All day. Everyday.
Savior please.
KEEP SAVING ME.
Monday, August 17, 2009
God's got us.
Do you ever find yourself in a state of failure? Failure to meet someones expectations or your own expectations. Sometimes I feel unworthy. I sin so much and I KNOW I'm sinning. Yet people see me as a Christian, which makes it all the worse. I feel that I can't live up to people's expectations of me, spiritually. One of my worst sins is how easily I idolize things. How easily my heart strays. I feel frustrated with myself. I can't keep my focus on God, no matter how much I want to.
Ever feel like that?
"I know I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for..."
Just remember. It's not about what we've done, but what Jesus has done for us.
EVERYTHING that happens is for a reason. Today happened for a reason and so will tomorrow.
God has great plans for us.
Though we may not see them, take to heart His promise that God knows better. Even through all our failures and shortcomings.
Ever feel like that?
"I know I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for..."
Just remember. It's not about what we've done, but what Jesus has done for us.
EVERYTHING that happens is for a reason. Today happened for a reason and so will tomorrow.
God has great plans for us.
Though we may not see them, take to heart His promise that God knows better. Even through all our failures and shortcomings.
God's got us.
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Hold my Heart
ABOUT HER:
She's really something. A breath of a fresh air I'd say. She's also an encouragement in my life. I could feel my attraction to her. The way we talked at first. Soon it became a routine. I enjoyed conversing. I made her a support. Something to support me as I went through storms of my life. But though her spirituality encouraged me but I made her more than a sign pointing to God.
I wanted to find a girl like her when I grew up. I wanted to marry someone like this. She truly was one of the only girls that could make me smile and feel uplifted. But was I falling into the mistake of falling for who I THINK she is? All I knew at this point was she was a gift from God and she was definately an uplifting signpost that pointed to God.
ABOUT ME:
What should I do? Should I wait? Should I ignore my feelings; cast it away? I mean if God really had someone planned for me. And God's plans were better, I could trust them right? If God had HER planned, did that I mean I didn't have to put effort into trying to get to know her?
And the way I was going now definately wasn't the right way anyway. I was idolizing her. She made me as happy as God did, and sometimes when I was feeling down, talking to her ABOUT GOD gave me more hope than talking to God Himself.
What if we kept going this way? What if! In some strange world she reflected my feelings. Could I be able to tame my emotions? Thinking about it now. I'm definitely not ready spiritually for any type of relationship. I turn to idolatry too quickly, finding hope more in the relationship than in God.
About God:
I can't get to know God if I let something in my life become bigger. Even though it's not even anything, I make it to be in my heart and in my mind. I have to let it go and stop pursuing. I still love her as a sister and appreciate the friendship SO much. But right now I need to focus on God. I hope she will understand. :). But hey she always does.
And if something WERE meant to happen.
God won't let ANYTHING get in it's way.
She's really something. A breath of a fresh air I'd say. She's also an encouragement in my life. I could feel my attraction to her. The way we talked at first. Soon it became a routine. I enjoyed conversing. I made her a support. Something to support me as I went through storms of my life. But though her spirituality encouraged me but I made her more than a sign pointing to God.
I wanted to find a girl like her when I grew up. I wanted to marry someone like this. She truly was one of the only girls that could make me smile and feel uplifted. But was I falling into the mistake of falling for who I THINK she is? All I knew at this point was she was a gift from God and she was definately an uplifting signpost that pointed to God.
ABOUT ME:
What should I do? Should I wait? Should I ignore my feelings; cast it away? I mean if God really had someone planned for me. And God's plans were better, I could trust them right? If God had HER planned, did that I mean I didn't have to put effort into trying to get to know her?
And the way I was going now definately wasn't the right way anyway. I was idolizing her. She made me as happy as God did, and sometimes when I was feeling down, talking to her ABOUT GOD gave me more hope than talking to God Himself.
What if we kept going this way? What if! In some strange world she reflected my feelings. Could I be able to tame my emotions? Thinking about it now. I'm definitely not ready spiritually for any type of relationship. I turn to idolatry too quickly, finding hope more in the relationship than in God.
About God:
I can't get to know God if I let something in my life become bigger. Even though it's not even anything, I make it to be in my heart and in my mind. I have to let it go and stop pursuing. I still love her as a sister and appreciate the friendship SO much. But right now I need to focus on God. I hope she will understand. :). But hey she always does.
And if something WERE meant to happen.
God won't let ANYTHING get in it's way.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Above All...school work.
One week left. I can hardly believe it. I'm so unprepared. I'm not ready. But I'm so excited! I get to see my friends and I get to see God. Junior year. But man I wake up everyday at 2 in the afternoon. That's only 6 hours late. One week left. Gotta get ready :). But let's stop and think..
Think about what? There's SO much to think about. Drama. How will I deal with that? Can I stop myself from getting into it again? Studying and work! I've started studying some biology and I gotta do my summer hw, but can I keep on top and STAY on top? Spiritually, will I be able to maintain a walk with God? Will I let my friends, my human relationships, my hobbies, distract me from God? How about clubs? Can I keep on top of them?
" AGH. So much to handle. So much to think about. So much clutter in my life right now. Ambivalent feelings. Excitement yet fear. "
===================================================================
I was made to love. I was made to worship. Once I can live a live of worship to Jesus, I will be made complete in Him. Once I put that above ALL else. Above drama. Above studying. Above all.
Matthew 6:33 - "Seek first the kingdom of God and ALL things will be given unto you".
If I try to put all these things, school, clubs, friends, at the focus of my life, I will get UNfocused. But once we seek first the kingdom of God, everything will be given. A desire to study for HIM. A desire to have human relationship centered around HIM.
John 15:5- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.".
Conclusion: Let God be our motivation. Let God be the focus of our lives and worship. Let EVERYTHING! we do in our lives be FOR Him. Once He's the biggest in our lives, everything will come into play. He promised that in the bible.
====================================================================
So I was writing my schedule. I had it all planned out. Read summer reading for 3 hours. Biology for an hour. Calculus for an hour. Working out for an hour. Quiet time for thirty minutes.
But Quiet time should be SO much more. Because unless I'm right with God and in love with what He has for me, everything else will be a chore.
Tomorrow. Me and God are on a date (: Anyones invited.
Think about what? There's SO much to think about. Drama. How will I deal with that? Can I stop myself from getting into it again? Studying and work! I've started studying some biology and I gotta do my summer hw, but can I keep on top and STAY on top? Spiritually, will I be able to maintain a walk with God? Will I let my friends, my human relationships, my hobbies, distract me from God? How about clubs? Can I keep on top of them?
" AGH. So much to handle. So much to think about. So much clutter in my life right now. Ambivalent feelings. Excitement yet fear. "
===================================================================
~~~ ABOVE ALL ~~~~
But what's my purpose on earth? Is it to strive hard for worldly success? Is it to be the most popular kid in school? NO. My purpose is to serve the Lord, the giver of life and true meaning. He is my hope.I was made to love. I was made to worship. Once I can live a live of worship to Jesus, I will be made complete in Him. Once I put that above ALL else. Above drama. Above studying. Above all.
Matthew 6:33 - "Seek first the kingdom of God and ALL things will be given unto you".
If I try to put all these things, school, clubs, friends, at the focus of my life, I will get UNfocused. But once we seek first the kingdom of God, everything will be given. A desire to study for HIM. A desire to have human relationship centered around HIM.
John 15:5- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.".
Conclusion: Let God be our motivation. Let God be the focus of our lives and worship. Let EVERYTHING! we do in our lives be FOR Him. Once He's the biggest in our lives, everything will come into play. He promised that in the bible.
====================================================================
So I was writing my schedule. I had it all planned out. Read summer reading for 3 hours. Biology for an hour. Calculus for an hour. Working out for an hour. Quiet time for thirty minutes.
But Quiet time should be SO much more. Because unless I'm right with God and in love with what He has for me, everything else will be a chore.
Tomorrow. Me and God are on a date (: Anyones invited.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Beauty in the Broken
God will never be everything in your life...until He is the only thing you have.
It's dark here. I'm scared. I'm hurt and pained; searing emotions. Hate and vengeance offer me salvation. It's dark here. I'm scared.
But I'm holding on. With the help of my pride. With the help of my friends. With the help of my distractions I have a floor to stand on. These saviors are supporting me. They're keeping me alive...immune to the hurt.
But Jesus Christ is a jealous savior. He wants my all. He doesn't want to share glory with my other saviors. He IS worthy. He beckons me. I can already smell it. Smell the promises of love and hope. The promises of joy and peace. I know in my heart His promises will remain. He is faithful.
But I have to let go of my other saviors. I have to let the floor of my pride, my friends, and my distractions cease to exist. And once my floor gives way I'll have to cling on to God and look to Him.
Oh how I tremble with the thought of that. How little faith I have. I know as soon as my floor breaks away I'll look around at the vortex that threatens to eat me. I'll turn my eyes away from God for a split second and sea the waves crashing around me and I'll began to sink like Peter did.
But I need to be broken. It's the only way the Lord will be my everything.
Lord. Help me keep my eyes on you.
I'm ready.
Break me.
It's dark here. I'm scared. I'm hurt and pained; searing emotions. Hate and vengeance offer me salvation. It's dark here. I'm scared.
But I'm holding on. With the help of my pride. With the help of my friends. With the help of my distractions I have a floor to stand on. These saviors are supporting me. They're keeping me alive...immune to the hurt.
But Jesus Christ is a jealous savior. He wants my all. He doesn't want to share glory with my other saviors. He IS worthy. He beckons me. I can already smell it. Smell the promises of love and hope. The promises of joy and peace. I know in my heart His promises will remain. He is faithful.
But I have to let go of my other saviors. I have to let the floor of my pride, my friends, and my distractions cease to exist. And once my floor gives way I'll have to cling on to God and look to Him.
Oh how I tremble with the thought of that. How little faith I have. I know as soon as my floor breaks away I'll look around at the vortex that threatens to eat me. I'll turn my eyes away from God for a split second and sea the waves crashing around me and I'll began to sink like Peter did.
But I need to be broken. It's the only way the Lord will be my everything.
Lord. Help me keep my eyes on you.
I'm ready.
Break me.
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