Savior Please

God's finally blessed me with a desire and a passion to know Him more and to seek His will. God's reminded me how great it is to be in this place. Thank you Lord.

But the closer I get, the harder Satan makes it become. He fills my heart with doubt. He fills it with lies and with hopelessness. He diverts my gaze to myself and my sinful self, instead of on Christ. I forgot these would come as I tried to seek the Lord.

I try so hard. But I can fade so fast. I don't know how long this can last. This is a battle.

A battle against my spirit and my flesh. Between sin and faith.
Between love and evil. Between Christ and the devil.

I need His help everyday. Thank you Lord for saving me by sending Your son. But this is a battle. All day. Everyday.

Savior please.
KEEP SAVING ME.

God's got us.

Do you ever find yourself in a state of failure? Failure to meet someones expectations or your own expectations. Sometimes I feel unworthy. I sin so much and I KNOW I'm sinning. Yet people see me as a Christian, which makes it all the worse. I feel that I can't live up to people's expectations of me, spiritually. One of my worst sins is how easily I idolize things. How easily my heart strays. I feel frustrated with myself. I can't keep my focus on God, no matter how much I want to.

Ever feel like that?

"I know I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for..."

Just remember. It's not about what we've done, but what Jesus has done for us.
EVERYTHING that happens is for a reason. Today happened for a reason and so will tomorrow.
God has great plans for us.

Though we may not see them, take to heart His promise that God knows better. Even through all our failures and shortcomings.

God's got us.
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^^^^^^^

Hold my Heart

ABOUT HER:

She's really something. A breath of a fresh air I'd say. She's also an encouragement in my life. I could feel my attraction to her. The way we talked at first. Soon it became a routine. I enjoyed conversing. I made her a support. Something to support me as I went through storms of my life. But though her spirituality encouraged me but I made her more than a sign pointing to God.

I wanted to find a girl like her when I grew up. I wanted to marry someone like this. She truly was one of the only girls that could make me smile and feel uplifted. But was I falling into the mistake of falling for who I THINK she is? All I knew at this point was she was a gift from God and she was definately an uplifting signpost that pointed to God.

ABOUT ME:

What should I do? Should I wait? Should I ignore my feelings; cast it away? I mean if God really had someone planned for me. And God's plans were better, I could trust them right? If God had HER planned, did that I mean I didn't have to put effort into trying to get to know her?

And the way I was going now definately wasn't the right way anyway. I was idolizing her. She made me as happy as God did, and sometimes when I was feeling down, talking to her ABOUT GOD gave me more hope than talking to God Himself.

What if we kept going this way? What if! In some strange world she reflected my feelings. Could I be able to tame my emotions? Thinking about it now. I'm definitely not ready spiritually for any type of relationship. I turn to idolatry too quickly, finding hope more in the relationship than in God.

About God:

I can't get to know God if I let something in my life become bigger. Even though it's not even anything, I make it to be in my heart and in my mind. I have to let it go and stop pursuing. I still love her as a sister and appreciate the friendship SO much. But right now I need to focus on God. I hope she will understand. :). But hey she always does.

And if something WERE meant to happen.
God won't let ANYTHING get in it's way.

Above All...school work.

One week left. I can hardly believe it. I'm so unprepared. I'm not ready. But I'm so excited! I get to see my friends and I get to see God. Junior year. But man I wake up everyday at 2 in the afternoon. That's only 6 hours late. One week left. Gotta get ready :). But let's stop and think..

Think about what? There's SO much to think about. Drama. How will I deal with that? Can I stop myself from getting into it again? Studying and work! I've started studying some biology and I gotta do my summer hw, but can I keep on top and STAY on top? Spiritually, will I be able to maintain a walk with God? Will I let my friends, my human relationships, my hobbies, distract me from God? How about clubs? Can I keep on top of them?

" AGH. So much to handle. So much to think about. So much clutter in my life right now. Ambivalent feelings. Excitement yet fear. "

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~~~ ABOVE ALL ~~~~

But what's my purpose on earth? Is it to strive hard for worldly success? Is it to be the most popular kid in school? NO. My purpose is to serve the Lord, the giver of life and true meaning. He is my hope.

I was made to love. I was made to worship. Once I can live a live of worship to Jesus, I will be made complete in Him. Once I put that above ALL else. Above drama. Above studying. Above all.

Matthew 6:33 - "Seek first the kingdom of God and ALL things will be given unto you".

If I try to put all these things, school, clubs, friends, at the focus of my life, I will get UNfocused. But once we seek first the kingdom of God, everything will be given. A desire to study for HIM. A desire to have human relationship centered around HIM.

John 15:5- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.".

Conclusion: Let God be our motivation. Let God be the focus of our lives and worship. Let EVERYTHING! we do in our lives be FOR Him. Once He's the biggest in our lives, everything will come into play. He promised that in the bible.

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So I was writing my schedule. I had it all planned out. Read summer reading for 3 hours. Biology for an hour. Calculus for an hour. Working out for an hour. Quiet time for thirty minutes.
But Quiet time should be SO much more. Because unless I'm right with God and in love with what He has for me, everything else will be a chore.

Tomorrow. Me and God are on a date (: Anyones invited.

Beauty in the Broken

God will never be everything in your life...until He is the only thing you have.

It's dark here. I'm scared. I'm hurt and pained; searing emotions. Hate and vengeance offer me salvation. It's dark here. I'm scared.

But I'm holding on. With the help of my pride. With the help of my friends. With the help of my distractions I have a floor to stand on. These saviors are supporting me. They're keeping me alive...immune to the hurt.

But Jesus Christ is a jealous savior. He wants my all. He doesn't want to share glory with my other saviors. He IS worthy. He beckons me. I can already smell it. Smell the promises of love and hope. The promises of joy and peace. I know in my heart His promises will remain. He is faithful.

But I have to let go of my other saviors. I have to let the floor of my pride, my friends, and my distractions cease to exist. And once my floor gives way I'll have to cling on to God and look to Him.

Oh how I tremble with the thought of that. How little faith I have. I know as soon as my floor breaks away I'll look around at the vortex that threatens to eat me. I'll turn my eyes away from God for a split second and sea the waves crashing around me and I'll began to sink like Peter did.
But I need to be broken. It's the only way the Lord will be my everything.

Lord. Help me keep my eyes on you.
I'm ready.
Break me.

Ankle Deep

Anger burned in my heart. Rage. My flesh screamed for revenge. The Holy Spirit screamed back with a reminder of love. I let out a quick sigh and rubbed my face. I was holding my breath. This was ridiculous. We couldn't even talk, yet once we told each other we'd be together forever. Haha typical heartbreak. What a joke. I was so blind. So vulnerable to it. I actually believed in the relationship. I was so hopeful I didn't open my eyes to what was going to happen. Typical.

It's midnight. I haven't prayed for this long for awhile. Can God hear me? Can He hear the pace of my beating heart as hurtful memories flash in my mind. I sighed and brushed my tears away. I put down my bible and God's words rang in my ears. Be still and know that I am God. I closed my eyes and thought of Him. His love. His compassion. His peace. I shook my head. Why was I so forgetful? How could I lose step in my walk with God? There was a time my heart was filled with His passion. Yet I fell prey to the motions of life. I forget about His goodness.

I began to think. I tried to desperately drown the situations in my life away and I cried out to God. God I will praise You in this storm. But Lord why can't I feel the fire I felt before? I'm sorry that I forgot, but NOW I remember. I remember Your love. Your Holy Spirit. Your power testified through my life. But what I don't remember is how to get that fire. How to get that desire for God. But the words from a certain girl changed my thinking. "Alex, knowing that there is something better. That desire to even have a desire for God is already a desire." Dang. So deep. She was right. All I needed was an open heart for God to use me. I finally found the answer. I couldn't wait. Next year would be the best year. I could feel God was going to use me and my friends to do His work. I didn't need to worry about the storms in my life. I just had to have an open heart. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Or was it? I'm so messy and distracted. Undisciplined and tactless. I'm such a wreck. So forgetful. So vulnerable to the illusions of this life. As soon as the thought of HER popped up. My flesh took control. IT SCREAMED REVENGE. It screamed. ALEX YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER. SHOW HER YOU ARE. My flesh wanted to see her beg for my acceptance again. I wanted to see her suffer as I did. Alex forgive others, as I have forgiven you. NO. I wanted to listen to the other voice in my head. The one that also promised satisfaction by taking revenge.

How did I go about taking revenge? My pride. I made it seem like I was so cool, that SHE didn't matter in my life. I turned to myself. I made myself, my pride, my idol. The more I fell in love with my pride, the less I loved HER. The better I felt about myself, the more unattractive she got. My pride laughed at her. What a pitiful girl. She had no idea what she let go of. Alex NO. Listen to me. I love you. Turn to Me. I am God. I hesitated. Then it all came back. And I repented. How could I have let the pride get the better of me? I asked for forgiveness and read His word that night.

Then it happened again. A cycle. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to handle what SHE is doing to me if I forgive her. I'm scared if I don't trust in myself, in my pride, to make me feel better, nothing can. This is what's holding me back. Holding me from bathing myself in God's love. If God's love was an ocean on the beach, I was only standing in ankle deep. I felt His refreshing love on my ankles. His cool whispers reminding me of His love. But I could not let myself go in His love. Yet my spirit desperately wanted to. It missed Him. I miss Him. I need Him. But I'm also in love with my pride because my pride can make the hurt disappear.

What do I do? It was late. I was reading a book. "Leadership as an Identity". I wanted to live my life with God in control, not my pride. Not myself. But I was scared. BUT I KNEW that without God in control, I could do nothing. He is the vine and I'm just a branch. Apart from Him, nothing can be done (John 15:5). I KNEW THAT in my mind. In my soul. And it broke my heart knowing that I was breaking His by not turning to Him, though He would die for me. Yet I still couldn't go past ankle deep. I continued reading the book.

"Godly leadership is defined by inadequacy. Unless you tell yourself, you are inadequate without God, then you are telling yourself, you can do it without God." That was so true. Every leader needs to acknowledge that and take it to heart. YET I couldn't. Because I was putting my pride in control to get over HER. My pride told me I could do everything. I didn't need her and I didn't need God. I just needed myself. Yet God keeps beckoning me to put my trust in Him. But if I do. Can I bear the hurt? Can I forgive HER? Can I handle it?

I'm struggling. I'm only ankle deep. My eyes see the beautiful water. My heart cries out for it. My throat thirsts for it. I want to bathe in God's love. But my feet remain. My flesh does not want to budge. I'm scared. But I'll never be happy and full satisfied.

If I'm only ankle deep.

Who would die for a lie?

"There's something wrong with your religion kid." A voice from the back of the room. I turned.
"What?" I asked. "You can't prove it scientifically. Can you?" he challenged. He looked older than me. His lips curled into a smile. I shook my head. "No. I can't. I'm not a scientist." People in the room snickered. He laughed and sat down.
It was my turn to stand up.
"Sir can you provide a personal definition as to what 'scientifically proving' means?" He looked up. He rolled his eyes and shrugged.
"Something that can be proven with facts."
"Scientific proof is based on showing that something is a fact by repeating the event in the presence of a person questioning the fact. It is done in a controlled environment where observations can be made, data drawn, and hypotheses empirically verified"
He hesitated, then nodded, unsure of my point. I continued.
"Did you watch TV last night?" He nodded. "Well I'm not going to believe you until you can prove that to me scientifically. However you can't. Because you can't repeat history."

Now in that example was the typical response to Christianity. However there IS a science dealing with history; Legal-Historical proof is responsible for that area. And everything that has happened physically (the life of the apostles, the existence of cities) is proven by Legal-Historical proof. Of course there are the controversial events in the bible such as the miracles, the virgin birth of Jesus, and His resurrection. But keep in mind there are most certainly hard facts entailing His death, His cross, His location. So everything in the bible that has happened can be proven through legal-historical proof with the exception of the controversial topics.

So without 'blind faith', is there ANY evidence of Jesus' resurrection and miracles. The answer to that? Definitely! Let's look at the apostles...These men were obviously strong believers in two main truths: Jesus' deity and His resurrection. All eleven apostles died Martyr death through crucifixion, stoned, speared, and slayed.

"Well a lot of people have died for a lie. Why are they so different?"

Yes. Many people have died for a lie. But they died believe it was true. If these apostles had died for a lie, they would have KNOWN it was a lie. I doubt anywhere in history can you find a sane person that has died for something they knew was a lie. Yes, that makes sense, but how are they different than most people?

1) The apostles were eye witnesses. Since history has it that these men existed as sane men, and these
same 11 people ALL testified to SEEING Christ's resurrection, it's hard to believe these men conspired to lie.
Though still a possibility...BUT

2) They had to be convinced. Usually conspirators don't have to be convinced of something they are
going to conspire about. At first they were told the tomb was empty. They were not convinced until
they had ample and convincing evidence. Then we have Thomas who wouldn't believe until he placed
his own fingers in the wounds of Christ. James, the brother of Jesus, grew up mocking his brother,
not believing Jesus to be the messiah until something happened to James. After Jesus died, James
began preaching to the people of Jerusalm, sharing the message of the Messiah.

3) Their lives were changed. From the point of Christ's death and resurrection, their lives were
radically changed. They tranformed from dependent, shy, and scared men to outspoken, courageous,
and selfless Martyrs under the name of Christ. That doesn't happen everyday.

What a beautiful day in the neighborhood..

Ugh. I didn't do that well on the SAT today. Barely made a 2000. I sighed. I pushed my way out of the hotel doors and sat on the curb, grumbling. My stomach growled. Where the heck were my parents. Late? I took off my black jacket and layed it beside my SAT book and calculator. How am I supposed to get 2200 on my SAT. I sighed again. A butterfly landed next to me. Then it fluttered around my head. I shoo'd it away, irritated. WTF. Can it please go away.

Then everything became eerily silent. Like. I zoned out. Then I blinked. Where was I? My vision was suddenly enhanced. My thoughts cleared. The Sun was shining bright. Kids were smiling as they got off the bus from disney. The scenery was amazing; vivid amongst the contrasting colors of the brilliantly aligned flowers. Be still and I know that I am God. I stood still. It hit me. Why was I so blessed. Why did I have the opportunity to even take the SAT and achieve an education? Why was I so blessed with parents who loved me and were willing to drive and pick me up. Why did God choose me to be able to eat McDonalds when the car pulled up, pampered with air conditioning and the radio. I thought about the kids in Africa, or the kids in China. Why were they in their position, yet I was here in my position, taking it for granted everyday? Why did I take such comfort and mediocrity in my luxury that I forgot what God had given me?

I closed my eyes and gave thanks. Thank you Lord for allowing me to dance; allowing me to balance and stand on my hands when there were people that can't stand on their feet. Thank you Lord for blessing me with a voice to sing, when there were people that struggled to talk. Thank you Lord for blessing me with beautiful sight in front of me, when some people had no eyes to see it.

The butterfly landed next to me again. God's beauty.