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I sat down on my bed. Ehh, I was through with tears. Time to move on right? Haha. Typical heartbreak. Hmm. I always told my friends. We were meant to love and to be loved. So feeling like this was perfectly normal right? Yes. Yes it was. I closed my eyes. I drifted; it was late anyway, I had to wake up early.
Screech. Thud. Thud. Screech. The sounds of rubber on gym floor echoed throughout the gym. The kids were hollering in wild bliss waiting for the day to start. What was I doing? I was just helping out, watching the kids at this program. Hanging out with friends. I guess life was back to normal now, huh? Occasional tears that tagged along the thought of her, but it was definately nothing new. But...life started to slow. Life got, boring almost. Without the adventure of being involved with a girl, what was I supposed to do with my spare time? She walked in. Heyyy. She was cutee. My eyes followed. Should I do something? I stood up. No. I pushed myself back down.
More girls. Everywhere. Seriously. Why did I restrain myself? I mean was feeling such a deep desire to have a girl in my life. The perfect Christian girl in my life. Wasn't it natural?
Or was it my idol. Relationships. Was that my idol?
-blog laterr. SAT tmrw.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I love my iPod.
1/13/07
It's so shiny. So appealing to every single one of my fleshly senses. My hands
yearn for its touch. The box granted me unfathomable promises of hope! Of
entertainment. It offered me happiness and satisfaction. I needed this iPod.
1/14/07
I bought it. My shaking hands, trembling with excitement as I braced myself
for a new life. It had to be true. The box promised new life! New birth! I clutched
my new idol and viciously began to download songs. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait.
1/15/07
Ugh. It was Sunday. I had to wake up early. For what. Church. I wasn't feelin it.
Not since I got my iPod at least. For real. I could be jamming to it all day instead
of listening to some guy talk. I brought it along.
The sermon was about prayer. I don't even know. I was getting bored. I plugged
in my iPod. The box was right! Happiness. Satisfaction. All from my playlist.
I loved it. I lusted for it. I needed it. It filled me. Drowned out the sermon.
Church was over. Finally. I wasn't in the mood for it. I downloaded more songs.
My playlist was the real deal. The song of lust was so dang catchy. I loved it.
I went outside, I wanted to bond with my new friend. My life saver.
My iPod was on shuffle. The song of lust finished. Next was the song of drugs.
I liked the beat. Made me feel uplifted, invincible. I kept walking down the street.
It was the song of hobbies. I liked the song. Pushed me to have purpose in my life, you know?
As I crossed the intersection, another song came on. The song of self-accomplishment.
The words rang sweet in my ears. I would truly be happy. Then the song of following your
dreams in this world. I felt so happy. The song motivated me to follow my dreams to become
that famous actor. That famous filmstar. That famous model.
"ALEX."
I didn't hear it. Didn't hear him yelling from across the street. Didn't matter anyway.
My favorite song was blaring. The song reminded me that friends meant happiness.
"ALEX."
Not that time either. I was bobbing my head to the beat. I was SO into it. I finally
had it. I finally felt free. So happy.
"ALEX."
I heard it. But it was too late. The car hit me. They didn't see me turn the bend.
They were going too fast. I couldn't scream. I couldn't react. It was so fast. And
my iPod didn't save me.
I didn't hear God. My iPod of this world trapped me. The volume became louder,
louder, louder, until I was consumed by the lyrics. The sweet lyrics of false hope.
Hope that I would be happy. The box promised me happiness. The happiness
only lasted until I took off the earplugs and faced reality.
And it did nothing to save me from my fate.
Take off your iPod.
God's calling.
It's so shiny. So appealing to every single one of my fleshly senses. My hands
yearn for its touch. The box granted me unfathomable promises of hope! Of
entertainment. It offered me happiness and satisfaction. I needed this iPod.
1/14/07
I bought it. My shaking hands, trembling with excitement as I braced myself
for a new life. It had to be true. The box promised new life! New birth! I clutched
my new idol and viciously began to download songs. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait.
1/15/07
Ugh. It was Sunday. I had to wake up early. For what. Church. I wasn't feelin it.
Not since I got my iPod at least. For real. I could be jamming to it all day instead
of listening to some guy talk. I brought it along.
The sermon was about prayer. I don't even know. I was getting bored. I plugged
in my iPod. The box was right! Happiness. Satisfaction. All from my playlist.
I loved it. I lusted for it. I needed it. It filled me. Drowned out the sermon.
Church was over. Finally. I wasn't in the mood for it. I downloaded more songs.
My playlist was the real deal. The song of lust was so dang catchy. I loved it.
I went outside, I wanted to bond with my new friend. My life saver.
My iPod was on shuffle. The song of lust finished. Next was the song of drugs.
I liked the beat. Made me feel uplifted, invincible. I kept walking down the street.
It was the song of hobbies. I liked the song. Pushed me to have purpose in my life, you know?
As I crossed the intersection, another song came on. The song of self-accomplishment.
The words rang sweet in my ears. I would truly be happy. Then the song of following your
dreams in this world. I felt so happy. The song motivated me to follow my dreams to become
that famous actor. That famous filmstar. That famous model.
"ALEX."
I didn't hear it. Didn't hear him yelling from across the street. Didn't matter anyway.
My favorite song was blaring. The song reminded me that friends meant happiness.
"ALEX."
Not that time either. I was bobbing my head to the beat. I was SO into it. I finally
had it. I finally felt free. So happy.
"ALEX."
I heard it. But it was too late. The car hit me. They didn't see me turn the bend.
They were going too fast. I couldn't scream. I couldn't react. It was so fast. And
my iPod didn't save me.
I didn't hear God. My iPod of this world trapped me. The volume became louder,
louder, louder, until I was consumed by the lyrics. The sweet lyrics of false hope.
Hope that I would be happy. The box promised me happiness. The happiness
only lasted until I took off the earplugs and faced reality.
And it did nothing to save me from my fate.
Take off your iPod.
God's calling.
Monday, July 27, 2009
It Took the Death of him...
My phone vibrated.
Three times.
The usual. "His heart stopped beating. He's with the Lord." No.
It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. My eyes watered but I wiped them away.
"Is something wrong?" my friend asked. I shook my head. No there wasn't. The text message couldn't be true.
But it was true. And the truth is, we all will leave this earth soon. It's a fact. We pass away. But Victor couldn't.
It didn't make sense. I had prayed for so long for him. He couldn't have died. He shouldn't have. The whole church
prayed for him. WHY. Why did God take him away from me? Every night I recited my prayer for him.
"Oh God of compassion. Touch my brother victor, because you are a God that can heal. You are a savior that can move moutains. I pray that you restore his life and let him feel alive once again. I pray that you heal him, so your glory may be revealed. So people may think of you in awe and say, wow, what a God. I pray you take him home, where he can worship You with us as a family again. Amen"
Was it in vain? Those prayers that we uttered in desperation that our Savior may heal him? That's what I felt when I recieved the news. I had seen God answer prayers before. I saw them when my friends received salvation, and when doors were opened for them to come to church. But why not Victor?
I went to church that night. I couldn't cry. I didn't want to show people how much I was grieving inside. There were occasional tears, yes. I couldn't cry. That night was a different night. I understand why God didn't let my friends come that night. I had invited Alexandra, Justin, Michelle, and Karo to church that night. But this was a different night. This night we had to grieve for the loss of our brother. One by one, members of the church, young and old, friends and strangers, came and shared their feelings.
That's when I realized. God answered every single prayer I had lifted up to Him about victor. "God I pray you restore his life and let him feel alive once again." Victor accepted Christ in October, when he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. He understood life was short and he needed a savior. He needed Jesus Christ.
"God I pray that your glory may be revealed so people will say, WOW, what a God." I had pictured God's glory being revealed only upon Victors recovery. But I was wrong. God's glory was revealed throughout Victors last pages of his life. God's glory shone bright when Victor clung onto God's promises and prayed for those who were suffering, though he was suffering. God's glory shone bright, when the church knew God was a mighty God, and both young and old came together in prayer. God's glory shone bright when doctors told us that victor wouldn't last it for more than a month, but he lived for 9 months so that he may be an example of how WE should live our lives, as if everyday could be our last.
"God I pray that you bring victor home, so he may worship with us as a family."
Victor died on the 23th of July. He lost too much blood going through an organ transplant.
Victor now is in heaven. Victor is worshiping 24/7.
Victor is home.
Three times.
The usual. "His heart stopped beating. He's with the Lord." No.
It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. My eyes watered but I wiped them away.
"Is something wrong?" my friend asked. I shook my head. No there wasn't. The text message couldn't be true.
But it was true. And the truth is, we all will leave this earth soon. It's a fact. We pass away. But Victor couldn't.
It didn't make sense. I had prayed for so long for him. He couldn't have died. He shouldn't have. The whole church
prayed for him. WHY. Why did God take him away from me? Every night I recited my prayer for him.
"Oh God of compassion. Touch my brother victor, because you are a God that can heal. You are a savior that can move moutains. I pray that you restore his life and let him feel alive once again. I pray that you heal him, so your glory may be revealed. So people may think of you in awe and say, wow, what a God. I pray you take him home, where he can worship You with us as a family again. Amen"
Was it in vain? Those prayers that we uttered in desperation that our Savior may heal him? That's what I felt when I recieved the news. I had seen God answer prayers before. I saw them when my friends received salvation, and when doors were opened for them to come to church. But why not Victor?
I went to church that night. I couldn't cry. I didn't want to show people how much I was grieving inside. There were occasional tears, yes. I couldn't cry. That night was a different night. I understand why God didn't let my friends come that night. I had invited Alexandra, Justin, Michelle, and Karo to church that night. But this was a different night. This night we had to grieve for the loss of our brother. One by one, members of the church, young and old, friends and strangers, came and shared their feelings.
That's when I realized. God answered every single prayer I had lifted up to Him about victor. "God I pray you restore his life and let him feel alive once again." Victor accepted Christ in October, when he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. He understood life was short and he needed a savior. He needed Jesus Christ.
"God I pray that your glory may be revealed so people will say, WOW, what a God." I had pictured God's glory being revealed only upon Victors recovery. But I was wrong. God's glory was revealed throughout Victors last pages of his life. God's glory shone bright when Victor clung onto God's promises and prayed for those who were suffering, though he was suffering. God's glory shone bright, when the church knew God was a mighty God, and both young and old came together in prayer. God's glory shone bright when doctors told us that victor wouldn't last it for more than a month, but he lived for 9 months so that he may be an example of how WE should live our lives, as if everyday could be our last.
"God I pray that you bring victor home, so he may worship with us as a family."
Victor died on the 23th of July. He lost too much blood going through an organ transplant.
Victor now is in heaven. Victor is worshiping 24/7.
Victor is home.
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