Ankle Deep

Anger burned in my heart. Rage. My flesh screamed for revenge. The Holy Spirit screamed back with a reminder of love. I let out a quick sigh and rubbed my face. I was holding my breath. This was ridiculous. We couldn't even talk, yet once we told each other we'd be together forever. Haha typical heartbreak. What a joke. I was so blind. So vulnerable to it. I actually believed in the relationship. I was so hopeful I didn't open my eyes to what was going to happen. Typical.

It's midnight. I haven't prayed for this long for awhile. Can God hear me? Can He hear the pace of my beating heart as hurtful memories flash in my mind. I sighed and brushed my tears away. I put down my bible and God's words rang in my ears. Be still and know that I am God. I closed my eyes and thought of Him. His love. His compassion. His peace. I shook my head. Why was I so forgetful? How could I lose step in my walk with God? There was a time my heart was filled with His passion. Yet I fell prey to the motions of life. I forget about His goodness.

I began to think. I tried to desperately drown the situations in my life away and I cried out to God. God I will praise You in this storm. But Lord why can't I feel the fire I felt before? I'm sorry that I forgot, but NOW I remember. I remember Your love. Your Holy Spirit. Your power testified through my life. But what I don't remember is how to get that fire. How to get that desire for God. But the words from a certain girl changed my thinking. "Alex, knowing that there is something better. That desire to even have a desire for God is already a desire." Dang. So deep. She was right. All I needed was an open heart for God to use me. I finally found the answer. I couldn't wait. Next year would be the best year. I could feel God was going to use me and my friends to do His work. I didn't need to worry about the storms in my life. I just had to have an open heart. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Or was it? I'm so messy and distracted. Undisciplined and tactless. I'm such a wreck. So forgetful. So vulnerable to the illusions of this life. As soon as the thought of HER popped up. My flesh took control. IT SCREAMED REVENGE. It screamed. ALEX YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER. SHOW HER YOU ARE. My flesh wanted to see her beg for my acceptance again. I wanted to see her suffer as I did. Alex forgive others, as I have forgiven you. NO. I wanted to listen to the other voice in my head. The one that also promised satisfaction by taking revenge.

How did I go about taking revenge? My pride. I made it seem like I was so cool, that SHE didn't matter in my life. I turned to myself. I made myself, my pride, my idol. The more I fell in love with my pride, the less I loved HER. The better I felt about myself, the more unattractive she got. My pride laughed at her. What a pitiful girl. She had no idea what she let go of. Alex NO. Listen to me. I love you. Turn to Me. I am God. I hesitated. Then it all came back. And I repented. How could I have let the pride get the better of me? I asked for forgiveness and read His word that night.

Then it happened again. A cycle. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to handle what SHE is doing to me if I forgive her. I'm scared if I don't trust in myself, in my pride, to make me feel better, nothing can. This is what's holding me back. Holding me from bathing myself in God's love. If God's love was an ocean on the beach, I was only standing in ankle deep. I felt His refreshing love on my ankles. His cool whispers reminding me of His love. But I could not let myself go in His love. Yet my spirit desperately wanted to. It missed Him. I miss Him. I need Him. But I'm also in love with my pride because my pride can make the hurt disappear.

What do I do? It was late. I was reading a book. "Leadership as an Identity". I wanted to live my life with God in control, not my pride. Not myself. But I was scared. BUT I KNEW that without God in control, I could do nothing. He is the vine and I'm just a branch. Apart from Him, nothing can be done (John 15:5). I KNEW THAT in my mind. In my soul. And it broke my heart knowing that I was breaking His by not turning to Him, though He would die for me. Yet I still couldn't go past ankle deep. I continued reading the book.

"Godly leadership is defined by inadequacy. Unless you tell yourself, you are inadequate without God, then you are telling yourself, you can do it without God." That was so true. Every leader needs to acknowledge that and take it to heart. YET I couldn't. Because I was putting my pride in control to get over HER. My pride told me I could do everything. I didn't need her and I didn't need God. I just needed myself. Yet God keeps beckoning me to put my trust in Him. But if I do. Can I bear the hurt? Can I forgive HER? Can I handle it?

I'm struggling. I'm only ankle deep. My eyes see the beautiful water. My heart cries out for it. My throat thirsts for it. I want to bathe in God's love. But my feet remain. My flesh does not want to budge. I'm scared. But I'll never be happy and full satisfied.

If I'm only ankle deep.